chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i will never coherently bang her
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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