we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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