It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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