HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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