peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
