watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
