your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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