yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
