I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
