I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
