I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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