it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
