If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
