dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
