And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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