I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
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