I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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