Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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