He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
