Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
being pregnant is like rehab
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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