Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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