Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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