so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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