Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
