Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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