"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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