The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
