I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize