Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
