Just cropdusted the office
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
