non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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