boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
