Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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