I'm pants shitting drunk right now
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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