dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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