you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
