My Higher Power is John Stamos
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
