I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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