i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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