Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize