How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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