the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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