Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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