Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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