he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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