You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
