I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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