All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Holy sore nipples Batman
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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