this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
