you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize