do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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