meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
