be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
