Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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