I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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