I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
