eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
