my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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