Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize