Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
