Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
