So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
