If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
