Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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