you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
